alright. just need to vent all my feelings and since no one reads this anyways im going for it here. (cameron-if this counts as cheating the rules dont read it)
so cameron and i havent been doing too great. he broke up with me yesterday. honestly, i have never felt like i did when he said it in my life. i couldnt stop crying. i kept thinking about my/our future and how it was all planned and so perfect. also, this is 3 weeks before i move. my friends were great and tried to keep me busy the whole day but i couldnt keep my mind off of it. for a year all ive been doing was thinking about when i move, its SO close but then, it was just gone. i think we both just caught up in me moving and how it was just understood that it was happening that we let ourselves fall into a routine of fighting and all kinds of bad stuff. which i cant believe because how perfect we are for each other. he can be overly mean, i can be overly jealous. we both have our big flaws, and neither of us have done anything to fix our problems. thats our main problem, we know we have issues , but just look over them. so finally, he ended it. we both were pathetic all day and eventually talked and realized i have to pay for the summer apartment either way, so why not have me come for the summer, test it, then make a rational decision. iknow that if i dont go (which is a big possibilty) that ill regret it and ponder over it for a really long time, and i really feel like he would too. so we decided yesterday to take a little break for a week and a half (considering the amount of time were dealing with) and sit back and see how much we need each other and if we should take the chance or not. welll i started thinkin about it so and asked what the major point was and it unfortunatly turned not into a fight, but kinda just a disagreement. this is def not the time for this kinda stuff and its killing me. i know i love him with my whole heart and im almost positive he feels the same. i think we just havent seen each other and dont have that solidness we used to. but honestly, living without him would make everything just dull. without having him to talk to me and tell me im dumb for crying over not being in a sudsy commercial, or to comfort me when my lifes exploding, or to tell about every pointless thing that happens to me, whats the point? i know i have so much to change, and honestly, im willing to change anything i need to be with him. he was a lot that needs to change too, and our conversation last night got all that out in the open. this is just so awful becasue im scared to death this isnt going to happen. and now im filled with hope that will eventually leave me as heartbroken as a i was yesterday, adn that scares me so much because i never want to be like that. he can make me such a great person and vise versa. i want to shoot concerts with him, learn about life, grow close with him and his family, etc. i know right now neither of our sides are really supporting this 100% and i totally understand that. of course his family wants the best for him, and right now after what hes told them i may not seem the best. but honestly, this last month should not be a reflection of our relationship. weve gone through a lot lately and we both have had a hard time getting over it and moving on. and not fighting, etc. i understand. but really, no one (as in other girls) will ever love him like i do. i want the very best for him. im not trying to take him away from his family or anything at all. i want to be a part of the family and get to hang out with everyone and and everything, but im also not going to interfere with family time. thats not my place. i know that family should be the most important thing, even if i dont always follow that sometimes, but im not going to try to compromise any relationships between yall.also, with my friends and family . they feel that hes done just too much to be taken back. and at times i do agree, but honestly i KNOW how happy we can be and how in love we are. this can work. and i feel that if i move, it will be proven to everyone. and if i go and we arent happy, ill move back here knowing it wasnt meant to be. but i cant let my whole world fall apart when i really dont feel in my heart this is our time to be over. ill do anything to prove how i feel and i pray to God that we will have our chance to prove to the world that this can work. without him, i feel lost. but that doesnt mean that when i move im going to be trying to have him to myself 24/7. i understand that his life is established, and im going to have to mix in with it, not overtake it. but likewise, he has to understand that i am giving up a lot too.but i am willing to do it as long as we are happy and really feel it can work. therees nothing i want more than to jujst do normal couple stuff and watch movies with his family and everything. i need it. and he does too, i know it. this has been a rough month, but in 3 weeks i hope with all my heart im moving all my stuff down to texas. ad if im not, i really hope we have come to a mutal agreement(but i still dont want that). neither of us have been overly happy, but i dont think its only because of each other in a bad way. were both just ready to get this goingg. and honestly, weve waited too long to give up now. we have to do this babe.
. before spring break (and texas) i got whatevers wrong with me and it was awful. can’t breathe at all, so much sinus pressure, etc. now its back, right in time for the most stressful part of the semester, awesome! well while dealing with that some good news, i’m getting a canon rebel xt camera on thursday 
